We were working on a Cloud Migration Project way up North, and I got to sit down with the CEO of the North Pole, Chris Claus. Here is that interview:
What was your professional journey before coming to the firm?
I started out as a toymaker in a small workshop up North, literally, the North Pole. Duh. It was just me, a few hand tools, and a dream. I provided toys to the Inuit and Yupik children (You call them Eskimos, but they don’t like that and neither do I). They taught me the most important skill for living way up north: how to stay warm. I perfected my toymaking craft and decided to expand my operation. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of hiring elves. Big mistake. Huge. They seemed eager at first, but once they discovered social media, everything changed. Now I've got elf-fluencers trying to live-stream toy production, a petition for better lighting for their TikTok dances, and a constant stream of HR complaints filed with Mrs. Claus. And don't get me started on the "Elf on the Shelf" program. It was supposed to be a field assignment, a promotion! Now, every elf with a decent selfie angle is demanding a cushy six-week gig sitting on a mantelpiece in a heated home, sipping hot cocoa. They call it 'quiet quitting.' I call it dereliction of duty!
What is your role at the firm? Please explain what you do.
I'm the CEO but more like the Chief Logistics Officer of the largest one-night delivery operation in human history. I manage global supply chain coordination, real-time route optimization across multiple time zones, and an aging fleet of reindeer that frankly should have been replaced a century ago. Rudolph's nose is starting to dim, and Prancer and Dancer are going through an ugly divorce. I also handle customer relations, which is a nightmare because nobody reads the terms and conditions. "Nice or Naughty" isn't subjective, people; it's a legally binding behavioral contract. Now I’m dealing with discrimination lawsuits. Hey now, if you are naughty, you are naughty, it’s not negotiable! Look in the mirror. It’s easy to fix… GET NICE!
What do you like best about your role at the firm?
Honestly? The one night a year when I'm not mediating disputes between elves over who gets the best lighting for their workshop selfies or dealing with reindeer maintenance issues. There's something magical about Christmas Eve, the quiet hum of the sleigh, the glow of the lights below, and knowing that for 24 hours, I don't have to answer a single email. Also, the eggnog. Specifically, eggnog with a healthy pour of good Kentucky bourbon. That's the real Christmas miracle right there.
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A blacksmith, actually. I loved working with my hands, creating things from raw materials. Ironically, I ended up doing exactly that, just with toys instead of horseshoes and cool, badass knives and swords. Though I'll be honest, if I'd known this job would involve performance reviews for elves and mediating arguments about who gets to be 'Elf of the Month' on the workshop Instagram page, I might have stuck with metalworking.
What are some of your favorite hobbies?
I'm a big bourbon enthusiast! I've got a collection that would make a Kentucky distiller seriously weep. I’m talking Double Eagle Very Rare 20 Year, Old Fitzgerald 8 Year Bond, George T. Stagg Straight, Pappy Van Winkle 20, and my favorite, Colonel E. H. Taylor 18 Year Marriage Straight. I also enjoy woodworking when I can find the time, though the elves have taken over most of the workshop. Lately, I've been getting into competitive sleigh racing in the off-season. Turns out Dasher’s great-great-great-grandson, Hasher from Colorado, has some real speed when he's not hauling 10 tons of toys. And I read a lot. You've got a lot of downtime in the Arctic.
Who do you admire most in your life?
Mrs. Claus, without question. She's been putting up with my nonsense for centuries, manages the entire North Pole household, and somehow keeps the elves from turning the entire workshop into a giant, chaotic TikTok dance-off every December. She's also the only person who can tell me when I'm being unreasonable, which, according to her, is "constantly." She's the real MVP of this operation. And she still tastes like peppermint.
Can you share something unique that has happened in your life?
Oh, where do I even start? I've been stuck in chimneys more times than I can count. I once got detained by Homeland Security in 2003 because apparently flying into restricted airspace without a flight plan is "a federal offense." And don't even get me started on the Great Reindeer Stomach Flu of 1847! I felt sorry for anyone walking under my sleigh that year. But the most unique thing? Probably the time I had to create a social media policy for the elves after one of them leaked the blueprints for this year's hottest toy in an Instagram story. The fallout was a PR nightmare.
Who is your favorite superhero?
Well, that’s easy. The Flash. Imagine how quick I could deliver all those damn gifts. That guy understands the importance of speed and efficiency. Also, he doesn't have to deal with reindeer that refuse to fly in bad weather or elves complaining that the workshop Wi-Fi is too slow for them to stream their favorite shows while they're supposed to be working.
What is your favorite book?
The Art of War by Sun Tzu. You'd be surprised how applicable ancient military strategy is to managing a workforce of several thousand social-media-obsessed elves and coordinating a global delivery operation. "Know your enemy" has been particularly useful.
What is your favorite movie?
Die Hard. It's a Christmas movie, don't @ me. Also, I relate to John McClane, one guy trying to save the day while everyone around him makes his job harder. Plus, it's got that Christmas spirit of perseverance and bourbon. Well, whiskey in his case, but close enough.
What is your favorite food?
Homemade cookies, the real deal, not those store-bought garbage pucks people leave out. Seriously folks, cookies bought in the so-called bakery aisle at the supermarket taste like sugared cardboard! You need to fuel Santa. I'm talking about grandma's secret recipe, fresh from the oven, still warm. And for the love of all that is holy, stop leaving me milk. I'm lactose intolerant! Have been for 400 years! Leave bourbon, leave a nice old-world red wine, but please, no more milk. My stomach can't take it. Old World Wine = from Italy, France, and Spain. None of that pesticide-enriched California crap. Gives me the runs.
Where is your favorite place to visit?
Anywhere warm. I spend 364 days a year in subzero temperatures. Give me a beach in the Caribbean, a bourbon distillery in Kentucky, or a cabin in the Rockies during summer. Just somewhere I can thaw out and not have to wear this ridiculous red, hot, itchy suit.
What is your favorite binge-worthy television series?
The Office. Michael Scott reminds me of half my elf managers—well-meaning but completely incompetent. It's nice to watch someone else deal with workplace chaos for a change. Makes me feel better about my own situation.
Santa will be taking a well-deserved vacation in January. Please direct all North Pole inquiries to Mrs. “Peppermint” Claus.
